8 years ago today 

Eight years ago today, I found myself at the ocean, screaming into the air. At the time, I was struggling for the first time with suicidal ideation. I didn’t know what I was feeling; all I knew was I wanted it all to end. 

February 7, 2015, I was at the ocean, contemplating everything, trying to calm myself down. It was an internal struggle I wish on no one. I yelled and I yelled loud. “God, if you’re real, please show my why I’m here and what all this is for, because I am tired and can’t do this anymore”. 

The ocean roared back at me and I fell to the ground crying out of exhaustion. I stood there on a hill overlooking the ocean yelling out everything to God. I was struggling with who I was, and how my brain worked. 

I grew up with a learning disability, speech impediment, I am an empath, and I felt the need to give even when my cup was empty. Most of those were/are used against me. They see me as being “too emotional” especially when I put boundaries in place because I didn’t use to before. They see my desire to help others as my forever weakness. However, inside I always knew I was this way for a reason.

So, I write this because on January 7, 2023, I stood up for my boundaries and God showed me clear as day my value and why I was created this way. Through this process (still ongoing, I’m forever learning), I felt Gods grace, even though I spent so much time and effort into trying to run and ignore it. 

On January 25, as I sat in church I felt compelled to write. So I did. I typed out all the things that I was thinking and feeling. And when I finished the last sentence that came to me was “God has been gracious, and he is using me to show his grace to others”. Since then the word grace has been appearing almost everyday of my life and not just because all three of my names mean grace. 

If you’ve stuck with my this far, THANK YOU!