All of the parts, in God’s timing

Have you ever had that moment of realization that God has been calling you and you’ve been ignoring him because you’re too scared of what’s to come? Not because it will be bad but because it will be hard and there are lots of unknowns?

That has been my reality for the last few weeks… well months… actually years. I have very much been a Jonah recently. Clearing hearing what God is calling me to do and running in the opposite direction. So you can consider this blog post as my acknowledgment that I needed to be swallowed by a big fish and stuck in my own way for me to realize that I can’t run anymore. I am tired of fighting against the good, perfect and pleasing will God has for my life. The funny thing is, I am actually excited about what God is calling me to do, it is just freaking terrifying. Putting myself out there, sharing my testimony and not knowing what’s going to come of it.

Recently I have been struggling with not knowing how to let go of something. A hurt that happened almost seven years ago now, but still eats away at me. I thought I had dealt with it and accepted it when on Janaury 2, 2024, I was hit with a flood of memories, pain and panic. Which stripped me of many nights of sleep, days of peace and abilty to rest in my every day activities. Things I used to enjoy were 10 times more exhausting because I felt on high alert all the time due to the memories. Not because I was actually in any danger but because PTSD has a funny way of reminding you of things when you are 100% safe.

Last night, on my drive home I was listening to a sermon that a friend had shared on instagram by Timothy Keller – Training in Wisdom. While listening to this sermon, Tim mentioned different kinds of trauma that are in the world and how there is struggles like loosing your elder parents who lived a long healthy life and the grief you feel because they are gone, then there is the struggle of loosing your teenage daughter who died by suicide and the grief that comes with that. While both are very hard to cope with, one seems more easy to accept. It’s not any less painful but there is a greater sense of hope or peace knowing your parents lived long happy lives, then the feeling of losing someone too soon. Having gone through both the grief of losing a person who lived a long life and one who was gone too soon, I know that both are incredibly challenging to navigate in the moment.

In saying all this, he was mentioning that there is some struggles and trauma we are not meant to understand in this life time. They are things that only God can make sense of, but also that God is hurting along side with us. Jesus died on the cross so he could feel our pain. Which is not the first time in the last two weeks I have heard someone talk about how Jesus HAD to die on the cross so we could be with us in our pain. [If you haven’t read Christine Cain’s Unashamed, I highly recommend it. She shares many stories about God’s mercy and how he stepped down so we wouldn’t be alone in the unthinkable.] After listening to Tim’s sermon, I had this thought come over me. “What would happen, if I were to die and this individual were to show up at my funeral”. What would my family think, what would they do, why would he be there in the first place. What if, I have been holding onto anger and hurt thinking the worst, when in reality, his story has changed. Maybe God has saved him or is working on saving him and I need to be praying for that. Instead of praying for justice, I need to pray for salvation for him. Pray that he knows the love that saved me from my unthinkable. Pray that he finds the healing I found.

When I got home, I opened the bible app and this is the passage of scripture that was included in the verse of the day:

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells. So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him. Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation, just as our dear brother Paul also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him. He writes the same way in all his letters, speaking in them of these matters. His letters contain some things that are hard to understand, which ignorant and unstable people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction.” 2 Peter 3:8-16 

God wants me to pray for his salvation. God was telling me to take the time to lift the one who hurt me to find healing. And it was like the wave of anger left my body and I found understanding like I hadn’t before. While I still don’t understand the actions, I know there is justice and love that is covering the situation.

But wait, this story gets better… this morning I was listening to WHOA That’s A Good Podcast by Sadie Rob-Huff and she had a guest talking about “How I listened when god told me something difficult to hear”. In the podcast, the guest mentioned a story about experiencing some hurt and God calling her to deal with this hurt in the moment and then telling her to be okay with not knowing the ending of the story. So she had to come to peace with her not being meant to hear the end of his story. “Maybe that’s not my calling and I need to let go and know that God got it.” This got me thinking, maybe I am not meant to hear the end of the story for the one who hurt me. I am meant to move on and let God do his thing.

Which brings us to this blog. I have been putting it off and putting it off because I wanted to seem like I had it all together. But luckily God has been plastering billboards all over town for me to realize and accept that I am meant to not have it all together. I am meant to write about the good, the bad, the embarrassing and the saving grace. The parts of me that I hoped to keep hidden forever even from God (I know it’s impossible to hide things from him, but that’s how I felt). So, here you go world. Here is my story. All of the parts in God’s timing.

I pray God uses this space as a way for us to connect, learn and grow together. Because God loves you and I believe in you!