One year sober

Today I am one year sober.

I’ve started and stopped this post so many times now. And while I have many words I want to say, I don’t quite know how to say them yet, so I’ll leave you with this (for now). Today marks one year of intentionality. Probably one of the hardest years of intentional decisions I’ve gone through. But it’s also been the best year for self discovery, relying on God and learning how to heal.

When I got my concussion there were intentional decisions made for my health. Avoiding surfing in big waves, not walking on monkey bars, stopping life guarding and competing, slowing down with work and many others. With each decision came feelings of sadness, frustration and grief. Ones I wasn’t quite sure how to cope with. Top that with school, work, life changes, learning disabilities, isolation in adulting, business lessons, covid and many other factors, I started leaning on alcohol to both make me feel and make the feelings stop.

In the summer of 2022, I had an allergic reaction while away from home where I needed support but couldn’t voice that I needed it because I was drinking. This was scary for me and those around me. This was a wake up call because I shouldn’t have woken up. I am thankful for this allergic reaction because for the next year, I fought to myself in a battle to stop drinking.

And on June 1, 2023, after months of praying for the strength to let go, I took a sip of one of my favourite drinks and spit it out because it tasted terrible. A drink I’d been consuming for years, my go to, no longer tasted good. I tried another drink and it tasted worse. And I couldn’t help but feel so thankful. God took the pleasure away and so every time I took a sip the taste got worse and my drive to stop got stronger. And thus began my full commitment to stopping.

One week went by and it felt horrible. Two weeks went by and I was craving them so much. By July, I was met with challenges in my business and networking because the business world in Halifax are social drinkers. And to be one of the few without a drink in your hand after being the one to always have a drink was hard. Smelling it at each event was hard. Watching people both enjoy and mask their feelings was hard.

In August my cravings slowed down a little. Just in time for me to get really sick in September. so sick that my whole immune system came to a halt. Depression sunk in and my cravings for alcohol returned. October was filled with anxiety. But November came with peace. I started feeling a little bit normal again. Almost at the 6 month mark, energy levels still terrible from being sick but in a healthy stage of life. December was an amazing adventure filled with fun and laughter. Hard days still existed but the cravings for Christmas cocktails was minimal. January came and I got sick again. But this time bad went to worse. The last 6 months have been filled with ER visits , dr appts and trial treatments as we play a guessing game for what’s wrong. Because on paper I look fine.

Today, makes me think about what my life and more importantly my health would look like if I was not sober. This year has taught me a lot. I’m thankful for this year. Thankful that I have this milestone and felt compelled to share it. Because to be honest, this journey I haven’t been as open with as possible because I didn’t want to admit I had a problem. But my hope is that if today is your day 0 or your day 1000 that you know you’re doing great and you got this. You’re also not alone.

A bit of an all over the place post but thank you for staying with me. I promise they won’t all be this sporadic. There’s just so much I want to share but couldn’t fit it all in.

Anyhoo, happy Saturday and hope you’re doing well.

I believe in you!

Hannah