Sober Human

Tonight, I went to a holiday to two events for work. The first was a casual fireside chat and networking wiht entrepreneurs who are from underrepresented groups. The second, a holiday party for all the local downtown businesses. I arrived at the first one 20 minutes early. It was hosted at one of my companies local ecosystem partners, so showing up early was both great to keep the anxiety at bay but also I knew would be welcomed.

While I was there, I connected with entrepreneurs I hadn’t seen in a while, met some knew people and enjoyed some good food. I was there for an hour a half before deciding to head to my next outing. Both I chose to go to for work. Both repead different rewards from my attendance. The first allowed me to connect and get more comfortable with individuals I will be working with in the coming weeks. The second… well, we will get into that in a minute.

A little back story that will likely be helpful. Today is December 7, and on December 1, I reached the six month mark for my sobriety journey. On Friday, I didn’t realize how much that milestone would hit me. Friday night, as I rode the ferry from one side of the harbour to the other, I was reading the book called “get out of your own head” and it was talking about how God has forgiven me and now I need to forgive myself. Struggling with addiction was a self inflicted pain, but it was a pain that God has forgiven me for and is consistently helping me work through and over come. So as I sat on that ferry ride, this huge wave (pun intended) of emotion came over me. I was both exhausted from hiding and holding back from allowing my self to celebrate any milestone in being sober and at the same time, incredibly proud of myself for making it this far. Now I just needed to let go and let God. Including forgiving myself for choices that are in the past.

Which brings us to tonight… the second party. I walked into the room filled with business professionals. Each with a drink in their hand. As I registered I was also handed two tickets, with the word ALCOHOL in big letters written across them. I didn’t even think twice, I accpeted them and slipped them into my jacket pocket. I did one lap around the room before finding someone I knew. With a quick hello, I came to realize that this was not this persons first drink of the night and probably wasn’t going to be their last. The smell of alcohol wafting off them begin to make my anxiety rise. I lost focus and was struggling to maintain focus with the conversation. I kept thinking, “man, that is a strong smell. I feel weird because I too don’t smell like that. But I also don’t want to smell like that.”

For the first time in five years, my brain wasn’t trying to reason it’s way into drinking. Six months ago, I would have not only had one but both those drinks, would have waited a little while then tried to drive home thinking that my tolerance was fine. But tonight was different. Tonight I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to convince myself I could have a drink or two and still safely drive home. After the conversation ended, I took one more look around the room and made the decision to leave. Just as I was getting ready to zip up my jacket a man with a suit walked over to me and said “Hello”. He did not smell like alcohol. He did not have a drink in his hand. He was sober, so I stayed and we talked.

He works for the city. He said he saw me standing by myself and wanted to introduce himself. I definitely looked like a lost dog. Turns out he worked for one of my companies local partners and only transitioned into the position with the city two years ago. We chatted, I asked questions, he provided solid insight and we made a point to connect the next time I’m in city hall so I can get more info on reaching our key demographic. This interaction gave the party some value and I went the event to begin with to have conversations like this one.

After we finished talking, he went off to his next event, I did one more look around the room, checked my phone and then walked out the door. I had only been in that room for 15 minutes. 15 long minutes. As I walked into the dark cold night, under the christmas lights, I put my ear buds in, and turned my music on high. The first song that shuffled on was “You Raise Me Up”. As those lyrics continued I felt tears coming to my eyes. And not just cold weather tears, but emotion tears. I don’t get those very often. This was weird, this was new. But the tears were welcomed. Because as they came to the surface I reached into my pocket and pulled out those red tickets. For the first time in five years, I walked away from a party having not used those red tickets.

Immediately it clicked. I was okay as a sober human. I ENJOYED being a sober human. I was proud to be a sober human. Five long years and finally I made it. And in that moment, the verse of the day popped into my head. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23. God saved me from my addiction. God is faithful and the hope I held onto for the last 6 months I saw in reality tonight. The hope that I would one day be able to walk away and not feel guilty. The hope that I could stand my ground and not feel led to drink. The hope that I could be in business and be sober. God is faithful and that hope is true.

So tonight, I am celebrating. I am celebrating that I am 6 months, 6 days sober. Celebrating not only going out to a holiday party but also having the courage to leave as a sober human.

If you are struggling during the holiday season, I want you to know you’re not alone. I also want you to know that there is hope.

You got this and I believe in you.